Twitter, the social media site that has spawned an A24 film and too many seizures quantify, is collapsing into its next hellish circle with the upcoming implementation push monetization.
With a new $8 per month subscription to Twitter Blue, which will be rolled out after the midterm electionsyou can get a blue verification badge (and other features) without actually verifying your identity and being immediately banned to pretend to be someone else. New owner and CEO Elon Musk, the richest person in the world, whose understanding of comedy is diluting at enter Twitter headquarters carrying a sink and obediently saying, “Hehehe! Let it sink in! says that his rule and demand for income won’t just legalize comedybut it will also be “democratizing journalism” somehow. Really he makes the most of it a Monty Python sketch.
But Musk could soon draw inspiration from it paid video games, too. November 2, Musk replied favorably to the (sarcastic) Twitter thread of game designer and gamification expert Adrian Hon describing “true gamification” on Twitter, jokingly proposing that Twitter add video game features like “a Twitter Battle Pass, Achievements, Happy Hour , sequences, and more!”
Not everyone seemed to get that Hon was joking, not even comedy expert Musk, who said Hon’s thread had “some great ideas.”
Well, if Musk is taking player suggestions, I think I should come up with a few.
I guess Twitter will eventually add a heads-up display to their homepage, showing not only how many followers you have, but also crucial stats like total time on Twitter or XP, kill count (the number times a guy named Bobby replies to one of your benign tweets with a command to drink bleach), and your current load of Twitter Coins.
I suggest that Twitter Coins be an in-app currency that you can buy for a generous 3 to 1 ratio – $300 for 100 Twitter Coins – which will allow you to unlock more of the important features of Twitter Blue that I recommend below.
And I know $3 for a Twitter coin seems a little unfair, but how do you expect Musk to pay off the $13 billion in debt (not counting the $1.2 billion in interest payments Twitter should do this year) what it owes after its $44 billion acquisition? By liquidating some of his $208 billion net worth? No, that makes too much sense.
With Twitter Coins, you will be able to purchase exclusive starter courses, including but not limited to:
- horny with sunglasses
- A man with zero followers who believes Marshall bugged his Samsung TV
- Doxxed (and licensed) journalist
- A woman with zero followers who started a Change.org petition to delay BTS’s military service
- A woman with 15 followers who started a Change.org petition to stop BTS from listening to her Samsung TV
Each class comes with its own themed starter kit – Horny With Sunglasses, for example, automatically gives you 35 subscribers wearing sunglasses in their profile picture and a one month subscription to a language learning site of your choice so that you can know how to say “dirty girl” in different ways.
These classes will be available for the low base price of 5,000 Twitter Coins, but you can add invaluable add-ons like Reply Guy (which has a negligible 30-minute cooldown while it pore over your Instagram photos for a hint of toe) for 500 Coins, or Viral Tweet (applies to any tweet about the yacht-centric reality TV show Under the bridge on Bravo) for 650 coins.
Once you’ve chosen your starter class, it’s time to start customizing. Musk already considering add “cool stuff” to Twitter Blue subscriptions like animated bannersbut I say he takes that idea one step further with high-tech 3D avatars to use as your profile picture.
Have you ever been to a chain of jungle-themed restaurants Rainforest cafe location? They have something beautifully haunting tree frog sculptures. 3D Twitter avatars will look pretty much exactly like this.
When you buy a Twitter avatar for a whopping $50,000 in Twitter Coins, you control everything. This includes facial features, body type, and whether or not your Avatar is wearing a t-shirt that says “I like the song ‘Drive’ by Incubus” (I’m still working on clothing options). Place your order and wait a measly 45 business days for shipment. That’s right, shipping.
Twitter avatars are really 3D, molded and cast from the same iconic blend of steel and aluminum that destroys a Tesla immediately upon contact with a red light. To hell with DLC, we’re in the future! We should crash our cars same more often.
To use Twitter avatars as your profile picture, all you have to do is take a picture and upload it. Yes, friends, it is as simple as that. If you want, you can complete your photo with the legendary profile photo package for 10 coins per week. This adds a 40 second fireworks gif that appears every time Musk’s content moderation plan leads someone to get run over.
Uploading a photo costs 50 coins. You’ll also need DM Musk the phrase “You’re so awesome and rich, dadevery two weeks or so to prove that you believe in free speech.
Don’t forget to DM. Your Twitter Blue subscription will be terminated immediately and the bank will take back your pets or your Funko Pop! collection, the one that is worth the most.
After spending at least $250,000 in Twitter Coins, you will have the chance to unlock Twitter’s secret ending. I can’t give you too many details because it’s a secret, but I can say it’s a bankruptcy.
Now let’s get down to business: it’s clear that the future of Twitter’s pay-to-win is looming. Are you ready for this?
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